Sweet, sweet power.

I was literally glowing with pride this morning. I was watching CNN, and what do I see? That’s right. THERE WAS A FUCKING HURRICANE THAT CLAIMED 300 LIVES!!

OH YEAH.

“?” You’re probably saying (if you aren’t, why not? Can’t you pronounce punctuation? You fucking pussy). “What reason do you have to be proud” or “Why would you be proud?”.

Well, to start with, causing a hurricane that killed 300 people inflates my ego so much it rivals my testicles for shear size. We’re talking celestial objects, here. And of course, it shows that in comparison to me, they suck.

In fact, if you even dared to think that perhaps mass murder wasn’t an enviable characteristic, I bet this would be your idea of a good lay:

 

But enough ugly chicks. How did I do it? I’ll tell you. Simply through the power of flatulence. Now, it’s likely someone will think “Oh dear, fart gags, how childish”, but to them I say “HAHAHAH WEE WILLY WILLY MINGE”.

My flatulence last night was unbelievably manly. None of those long, questioning expulsions that end with a sad “phweep?”. Nor were there the Harley-Davidson-esque “PhwlapPhwlapPhwlapPhwlap” that denotes fat, slappy butt cheeks. No.

Mine were sharp, defined, BLATS of doom. Except for one. This is the one I’m proud of, ladies and gents. This one is the Mass-Murderer.

It started off fairly normally. Marginal pressure build up, the works. I opened the valve, as it were, to let this escape, when suddenly BLAM. I literally took off, propelled on a stream of eructation and smashed through the roof. Looking down I saw a shockwave spreading through the clouds I has been thrust through. Then I hit space.

Now, I guess most people would expect to die in space, what with no oxygen and shit. Fuck that, I though, and breathed anyway. It seemed to work.

I had my phone with my so I took some pictures.

So anyway. I landed by my house, again, but found it was wrecked so I went and moved in with my neighbours. We had a game of kill the neighbour, which I won. Sore losers they were, too.

Woke up this morning, turned on CNN and what did I see? That’s right. A hurricane had killed hundreds of people on small Mediterranean island called “Cock Barrel”. They gut mice there. Sounds like fun.

Here’s proof. CNN man talks to funky hair man.

 

See? I am proud.

Your friends hate you- send them a link to my site and they might like you more. Go on. Pariah.