Ellen MacArthur can suck my nips

Ellen MacArthur pisses me off. She whines, she’s arrogant, she wastes time that I could better use watching telly or smurfing the web. But oh no. Open up google news, just about to see if there’s a new report on boobies, and what’s this?

“Crowds to gather to mark return of hero…”

Scroll down to see the rest…

“…Ellen MacArthur.”

AHHH!!! OUT DAMNED WHORE!!! OFF MY TELLY BOX, OFF MY PC!!

The bit that gets me the most is that the majority of people are perfectly willing to lick her bum and call her hero.

I beg to differ. You see, a definition of “hero” is:

HERO:

NOUN

1. A real or mythical person of great bravery who carries out extraordinary deeds.
2. A role model.
3. The main protagonist in a work of fiction.
4. A large sandwich made from meats and cheeses.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t see “Self endangering idiot” or “Arrogant bitch” on that list.

I mean, sure she’s “brave” (taking brave to mean “stupid” but I’ll allow that) but how is sailing round the world great? Curing cancer is great. The guy who does OLPC is great. Joshua D. Silver is great- he invented adjustable lensed glasses, which means billions of poor Africans can have decent sight ( http://www.adaptive-eyecare.com/ ).

Sailing round the world, well done. That helps people. To be honest, it isn’t even that brave. Her boat was equipped with the latest, greatest safety stuff, and likelihood is there just happened to always be a fishing boat, crewed by her friends, nearby. Just by pure chance yah know?

Again, how is she a role model? She endangered her own life, the lives of other people, gave free advertising to companies, was a bitch on telly, and basically wasted money and time. Sheesh, that’s something we want in our lifes. More people like her.

I’m sure if you’re a rabid sailor you’ll disagree, but fuck off.

I’ll skip over 3, because life sadly isn’t fictional (though it would rule to be able to fly) and wank off to 4. Is she a sandwich?

A quick image search proves it:

 

Yes, yes she is.

An annoying one, too. 

So, I guess she is a hero. Just not in the way I was expecting.

Sweet, sweet power.

I was literally glowing with pride this morning. I was watching CNN, and what do I see? That’s right. THERE WAS A FUCKING HURRICANE THAT CLAIMED 300 LIVES!!

OH YEAH.

“?” You’re probably saying (if you aren’t, why not? Can’t you pronounce punctuation? You fucking pussy). “What reason do you have to be proud” or “Why would you be proud?”.

Well, to start with, causing a hurricane that killed 300 people inflates my ego so much it rivals my testicles for shear size. We’re talking celestial objects, here. And of course, it shows that in comparison to me, they suck.

In fact, if you even dared to think that perhaps mass murder wasn’t an enviable characteristic, I bet this would be your idea of a good lay:

 

But enough ugly chicks. How did I do it? I’ll tell you. Simply through the power of flatulence. Now, it’s likely someone will think “Oh dear, fart gags, how childish”, but to them I say “HAHAHAH WEE WILLY WILLY MINGE”.

My flatulence last night was unbelievably manly. None of those long, questioning expulsions that end with a sad “phweep?”. Nor were there the Harley-Davidson-esque “PhwlapPhwlapPhwlapPhwlap” that denotes fat, slappy butt cheeks. No.

Mine were sharp, defined, BLATS of doom. Except for one. This is the one I’m proud of, ladies and gents. This one is the Mass-Murderer.

It started off fairly normally. Marginal pressure build up, the works. I opened the valve, as it were, to let this escape, when suddenly BLAM. I literally took off, propelled on a stream of eructation and smashed through the roof. Looking down I saw a shockwave spreading through the clouds I has been thrust through. Then I hit space.

Now, I guess most people would expect to die in space, what with no oxygen and shit. Fuck that, I though, and breathed anyway. It seemed to work.

I had my phone with my so I took some pictures.

So anyway. I landed by my house, again, but found it was wrecked so I went and moved in with my neighbours. We had a game of kill the neighbour, which I won. Sore losers they were, too.

Woke up this morning, turned on CNN and what did I see? That’s right. A hurricane had killed hundreds of people on small Mediterranean island called “Cock Barrel”. They gut mice there. Sounds like fun.

Here’s proof. CNN man talks to funky hair man.

 

See? I am proud.

Your friends hate you- send them a link to my site and they might like you more. Go on. Pariah. 

Spam, wonderful spam

I’ve started getting some pretty interesting emails recently.

These things are truly amazing. I get around 10-20 of them in an day, and each one defies description in mere language, I have to show you:

Look at that fucking list! What have we got. Something from my friend Alvin-

“Pussy_loveer destroys frresh teenie puussy. motorscooters”

See, the first sentence had me going. My eyes were sliding along it like a well lube’d cock into a vagina. I was all ready to open that email and click… when suddenly, the lube ran out. Horrible screaming noises commenced. Motorscooters? WTF? Other acronyms?

I mean, the spelling I can deal with. It’s hard to typed while polishing the bed-post, as it were, and I can understand why someone advertising a “teennie puussy” being destroyed would be excited. Hell, he could even be epileptic! To take the piss out of spacker, that’s just low.

But this is just amazing- this person actually thinks that people are more likely to watch porn containing motorized scooters. I’ve not commented on the word “destroys”, I assumed he meant it as in “FUCKS TO WITHIN AND INCH OF THE THING FALLING OFF” or something, but now I’m wondering. What sort of porn would I get?

Some sort of… Vespa-based vaginal deconstruction fetish site? With dynamite? Fucking hell. Dynamite dildomatic.

A scene from the porno movie.

Can you fucking believe that? In the middle if the street, on a fucking motorscooter with Bob (the Builder) cussin’ like a foul mouthed jew, they’re doing it. He’s sticking fucking dynamite into that ladies personal area. Later on in the movie, about 10 seconds later actually, she explodes. It looks sorta like… a scantily clad woman exploding. There really isn’t that much that looks like that.

Imagine if a six year old walked out with his dad-

“Daddy, whats that lady doing?”

“Well, son, we call that sex.”

BANG

Imagine how fucked up that kid will be, knowing that’s what happens when you have sex?

Look, they even drew a big purple cock on the stop sign. That’s dangerous. Naughty.

Spread the love, my darling imps of pleasure, spread it like margerine.

The School System

It’s somewhat amazing just how many people think that by writing an article on politics and posting it on the internet, this automatically makes the article an insightful and relevant treatise on realpolitik rather than a small pile of steaming Jesus shite.

There’s something about the feeling of pressing “submit” which seems to give them the impression that someone cares. *BEEP*. Wrong. Very few people write with enough wit and insight to actually stop an internet user in their clicks and make them think “Lol, what a read”. It takes more than saying “Yeah, wouldn’t it be rad if everyone could get along? And you know what, the people who are worse done by are the Muslims. Definitely”.

It take skill, it takes vigour, it take lots of fucking profanity and most importantly it takes balls. Well, it doesn’t really take balls but I was on a roll, you know?

So, you might be asking, what is this Dostoevsky of the internet going to poop down my network tonight? Something clever? You bet you favourite aunt I am.

Welcome yourself, because I’m too paraplegic to care, and sit yourself down by the monitor to read about….

If I ruled the world.

Part one, of many.

There’s something that pisses me off a lot. Well, there are a lot of things, truly. Dogs, lack of money and people expecting me to care are just three of them. But the one I’m going to expand upon and discuss today is- Private schools, and their gayness. In this text I will use “gay” as a substitute for words my currently stunted vocabulary fails to provide.

Why do private school piss me off? Well. Not because they are dens of sodomy and bum lovin’. They are, by the way. The latin motto of Eton is “Exspectata ut Eton. Iam , sinus super”. This is translated to “Welcome to Eton. Now, bend over”.

Not because they are all arrogant twats, either. I can deal with arrogant twats, mainly by annoying them until they try to have an argument with the obviously stupid commoner and then destroying whatever offence they put up, be it linguistic, physical or them trying to roger me.

No, it’s the premise itself.

The rich get better education. What the fuck is up with that.

Actually. Before I get ranting, let’s get something straight. My parents are pretty rich. I’m not a socialist, I’m not a communist. Nor am I particularly right wing. I just think that the world would be better if it was run with some common sense, rather than stupidity.
Back to the story. So, the rich people get to go to the best schools, and the poor people get a worse education. And it is a worse education, the poorest areas have the shittiest schools with the least money, and so can’t afford to pay the teachers enough money. Whereas the school that have money, that charge people £30,000 a term to send their sprogs away, can afford the best teachers and equipment, which means that less well off schools can’t.

And here’s the important bit- why should the rich people get better education because their parents are rich? A decent society would judge each member on their own merits, and this includes the kids. Some of the most moronic, violent thugs come from rich families.

Why should the rich children automatically have a better chance at achieveing their potential (or exceeding it, in some cases- I’ll get to that later) because they have the splendour of an Eton education?

One of the most annoying things, though is the “Old Boys” system. This is where people who went to the swanky schools, played such English sport as rugger, cricket and circle jerk together, help each other out. You know. A butler here. A few hundred there. A well paying job. There was another person with better qualifications, but hey, we know this guy. He’s a lad. Screw the other one.

How is this a good way to run a society? Abolish private schools, make everyone have to go through the same system and see what comes out the other end then. And I do mean the same system. None of this shitty “Each school works differently” crap. Bring back the old system, of three different types of school. Grammar, secondary modern and The Shit Heap (I can’t remember the name, that one’s good). Grammar, for the academic kids. Secondary modern for the not so academic. And Shit Heap for those who deserve it. That way we can guarantee that not only does each person realise their full potential, they aren’t held back by stupid gimps who think failing at life is fun. These bastards are off in the Shit Heap learning how to avoid being eaten by rats, which will hold them in good stead for their lives on the streets.

A guest writing- Jesus on robots

I’m just a normal person, all I want in life is a tract of land, barrels of moonshine, many beautiful women and a head full of memories. And money. But it seems that my memory is going to be raped. Horribly and violently raped by the bastards that make up many major corporations. I always wanted to grow up and share with my many bastard children the joy of my childhood. This though seems like a forlorn fantasy.

 

My memories of food for example, gone are the day of the mighty Marathon bar but to be replaced by the poor and annoying Snickers. Or the supermarkets. I hate them. I would elaborate on that point but at this moment I am too bored to carry on with this train of thought. Fuck off. I don’t see you writing an article. Got complaints? Email me at Nobodycaresyoufuckingpleb@fuckoff.com.

Back to my original rant of the perversion of my childhood. The memories I hold dearest are those of my favourite comic book and cartoon characters. They ruled. Honestly, if we had the X-men or the Autobots covering our arses in Iraq we would be sorted. But now I must demonstrate the gross deformation of our favourite people.

Look once upon a time Optimus Prime was super cool and no one would mess with his shit. HE had a big fuck off gun and was generally badass. HE would do what was necessary and while doing it he would deliver awesome one liners and have cheesy music accompanying him. Now I will demonstrate what has happened to him.

 

Look what happened. Stupid fat balding fucking idiots ruined him. I cried for three weeks after seeing this. I almost died from dehydration and I flooded two thirds of Bangladesh. That’s what this man is responsible for. Not only the raping of my childhood but genocide as well.

 

 

I was actually going to do an intelligent and well-structured argument on the slow downfall of superheroes and that animation has declined and storyline has disappeared and been replaced by poor action and bad villains. Instead I got bored and flooded a nation. I am a bad man.

I will quickly mention Batman in passing. He was my best friend, I used to watch him, study him, knew his routine. In short he was just like me ex girlfriend. Actually, scrap that point.

What was I talking about? What? You want me to stop randomly digressing form points? Great, I want you mum to stop digressing from my point…. Or some other witty comeback.

 

Well it looks like I have lost what I was talking about completely though I did remember I mentioned many beautiful women at the start of my scribble. I therefore give you this:

 

Yeh, that what you get when you type random into google images. Yeh.

 

Nice.

This is sooo gay!

Gay.

Gay.

Gay.

What does that mean to you? Now, some will read that and think "Yes, this site really is rather happy!!". If you do that, you are deluding youself. Gay hasn't meant happy for nigh on… fuck knows, it's a hell of a long time. Do an image search for gay, and you won't get pictures of smiling people. You'll get… well, have a look yourself.

Use: http://images.google.com/

You see? I'm sure some of those people are happy, but let's face it. Sodomy and happy are not synonymous. Except for in a rather fucked up thesauruse, but that's a price you have to pay for buying shitty kit.

But anyway, back to the point. Gay is way too overused. It's becoming almost as used as "fuck" in the lexicon of those with a vocabulary equal to their IQ. I heard in a sentence yesterday "Fucking gay cock sucking fags". Now, that sentence sure conveys alot of meaning, but does it really score high on literary merit? I wouldn't say so. You definitely wouldn't get a good mark in GCSE english.

Look at it, it references homo-sexuality three times in a five word sentence. Now, there is a good variation in vocabulary, and even a sort of semi-rhyme going on, but does it really do the language proud? We have at our command one of the most beautiful, expressive languages ever known, and we have people using it to chat about bum lovin' more than half the time.

It's somewhat shocking. Now- "Bastardised badger wankers" or "Bleeding piss streaked kitten slappers" are far more intelligent sentences. They reference far more niche activites, besitlaity, scat, S&M and kittens, and the vocbaulary is much more rounded. There's even a nice three syllable word in there. 

So, less of the gay, more of the multi syllabic cat slapping, please.

Genitalia and Politics

I got some spam a while ago. The first one was "Act now and save Africa!!" I therefore cancelled my appearance in my hit Broadway play, "Kiddie Sex Diaries", cancelled my latest film and told Spielberg to fuck off.

No dice, Africa didn't disappear. Didn't even get eaten by an intergalactic space goat. I mean, is that really so much to ask?

So then I thought, perhaps, I should take "act" in it's broadest sense, to perform an action. I began my apathy drive, not doing work, writing on this pile of pixelated effluence, forgetting to blink, the whole shebang.

And lo and behold, Africa started to disappear. I missed the goat but it's quite clear where it got, the bit that looks kinda like the sea has a camel tow. You would not believe how long it took to think up a genitalic comparison for a part of Africa's coast line.

Before, notice the bay of camel toe intact.

BANG! The space goat has eaten the bloody thing.

I was happy, I truly was. My great enemy was slowly disappearing, to be replaced by calm, blue, innuendo free waters.

But then Jesus visited me. In an msn conversation, which usually isn't the way of these thing but then Jesus has been moderning up a bit.

But I digress. Jesus msn'd me, and told me to write more stuff or else he's sodomize me. So. Here we go.

It's been in the news allot recently. And to be honest, allot of shit has, so you're probable wondering what the hell I'm on about here.

Well, it's to do with government, and someone a bit porky. Still, that covers most of the government, so let's narrow it downs a bit more. It's the BNP, or Britain's Nazi Party. Possibly, they think that stands for something else, but I think that's fitting.

These guys are gaining more and more support, which is pretty scary, but not too surprising. I mean, look at all the fuckups that have been going on under the last couple of government. Scratch that. Look last week. What do we have… Deputy PM, who made a big deal about his happy marriage and how fidelity is important, and a member of the party which claims it *isn't* sleazy, has been screwing some chick that wasn't his wife. Something about health, which is a whole other cauldron of sodomy, and…

1000 foreign criminals released. Not, as one would expect, through the legal system, but by a huge cockup, that then became a cover up and has now morphed once again into the mother of all cockups. I mean, if I was Mr. Rapist, I would be well chuffed and probably vote labour again, but the average law abiding chap is possibly less likely to. You know, they guy's who don't like their daughters raped, or murdered, or firebombed. The majority, as a matter of fact.

Keep that term in mind, ladies and gentlemen, we'll come back to it. Majority.

And the papers had a field day, especially the more, how shall we say, stupid ones. The ones with lots of red on the front page, big letters, short words and a nudey chic on page 3. They all especially made a big deal about the "foreign" part. And I'm not sure why. Surely, if the government released a load of white skinned, born and bred British murderers and rapists, it would have been just as bad?

Seemingly so, so why make the distinction? I suspect it's because of the sort of xenophobia that runs in allot of the people in this country, whether they know it or not. And it's dangerous, not to know. If you do know, you can do something about it, ignore it. But if you don't, there's a subconscious thought always there, when you're dealing with someone with a different colour, face shape, whatever. "Don't trust them". I suspect this comes from way back, when people who looked different had probably come to your village to rape your women and burn your houses, but since I'm not a psychologist or indeed interested I couldn't tell you for sure.

And since we live in a "Multi-Cultural" society, we've been taught to deny that we have these feelings, because we think no-one else has then, rather than accept them and ignore them. It may sound like a petty difference, but it isn't. It's a big one. And the BNP is capitalising on it, with their anti-anything-other-than-christian-caucasian attitude.

What people don't seem to realise, is exactly what the BNP are saying they'll do. They want to "repatriate" all foreigners, irrespective of how long they've been here, irrespective of anything. Why? Who the hell knows. Possibly because they are productive members of our society? Or their food is magic (Curry for the win)? I'm not going to argue the why's, since that's pointless because anyone who believe that's the right thing to do is too stupid to argue with.

Repatriation, though, I can argue on that. How to implement it. To repatriate, you'll have to have the receiving countries permission, otherwise you'll get a lovely baby war. What struggling country will accept 5 million people happily? There isn't one. So the only thing to do with these people is to stick them in camps. And hey, while we're at it, why not make them do some work? It's only fair, we're feeding them and all. Make it tit for tat, stylee. We feed them as long as they work. Too old? Well, that's you problem. Should have thought of that before being born Pakistani.

Yeah, now there's a plan and a half. Seriously, if the BNP get's power then concentration camps are a year away, at most. Course, it's only the weirdies and the immigrants who'll go. And then the Jews. And the… you.

I really, really advise people not to vote for the BNP. They claim to stand for "Britishness". In my eyes, being British is several things- it's freedom to live your life as you want, freedom to express your ideas and freedom not to be fucked over by some gimp who doesn't agree with your religion. Not very BNP like then.

The thing that labour seems to have forgotten, is that their main aim is to make life easier for the majority (told you to remember that word). Currently, they're not doing too good a job. And this is making people want to shift the blame from themselves, for voting for a load of fucktards, to others. And who better to blame that the person who is different, who is poor and has little power? They're unlikely to strike back. Even if they do, it's just more fuel for the mob.

Some people are probably saying something along the lines of "But he said make life easier for the majority, and then goes on to say that the minorities should be treated better. What a paradox!" But it isn't, really. As long as the minorities get the same rights as the majority, everyone should be happy. If you aren't, why exactly do you live in a democratic country? That's how it works. Fuck off to your fascist wonderland.

I'll live here in merry old England, and eat my nice warm curry.

Go on, fat man, make a funny!

It's pretty hard to do, you know, be spontaneously amusing. I used to do it by being random and offensive, but since I started on Fointy back in the day I've become so offensively extreme that I once killed an old woman who came across my site while searching for crochet porn.

I was done for murder, called the judge a dripping old man's penis and then sent to prison and became the bitch of a man called "Meat Grinder". He called me "Cream of Meat". He was actually quite nice when he wasn't Creaming his Meat, as it were. He once gave me an Easter egg.

But I digress. I was trying to achieve funny in English today, and most of my attempts fell flat. Achieving amusement from a standing start is hard. As Jordan commented, it's easy when replying to people, but just coming up with a sentence, saying it, and getting 50 percent of you listeners to laugh is a real achievement.

Here's an example: In English, I said "Hah, beach hospitals, have a drink and a baby". That got a few laughs, but sounds so fucking shit at the moment that I can't believe I found it funny. It was in response to a poem or something, about a baby or Tom Cruise, or whatever. I also drew a penis, and that was funny because, to be honest guys, penises are possibly the most amusing organ except for maybe the spleen. Or the placenta.

I tihnk this fact evades the writers of most sitcoms, who think and innuendo followed by a tin of giggles makes a funny. It doesn't, it really, really doesn't. It doesn't evade the guys who write Family Guy, Scrubs, or anything else funny. But then again, these are absurd humour and should really grow stale to any high brow, witty person. Luckily for me, I ain't and can happily wallow in the filth that is puerile, excrement based humour- "Everybody leave, I have to poop" style stuff.

I hope this has… well, I don't actually care, you fools. I shall try to return to my old style of updating, at least once a week and actually amusing, but who knows. Perhaps my dream will come true, and Jack Black will come and squeeze out a Cleveland Steamer on my chest and all will be well.

Till then,

A jew.

Sunglasses

I recently bought some sunglasses. They arent nice, and were a completely pointless purchase. But on the up side, they were one pound. Which isnt much.

They are aprrently supposed to help with night vision, which seems to be why they are yellow. Im not sure though. I reckon it’s because of wee.

Back for more later.